Ten Second Movie Reviews

The shorter Superman Returns: Superman can do anything, as long as he grunts hard enough. Next time, try a Kryptonite gag. I'd totally watch that movie. Three stars.

The Getaway: It's really unfortunate that the most iconic slap of all time is Steve McQueen's character being a dick. On the plus side, this movie features the most sadistic B-plot ever filmed. Four stars.

The Thirsty Dead. This movie's first key problem is a lack of... um... Dead. Who are thirsty. It's other key problem is that it's awful. But I knew that going in. Anyways, the only reasons to watch this movie are A: it delivers exactly what it promises (women running around in improvised clothing getting chased around caves and a jungle), and B: despite coming out in 1975, it clearly seems to have been made either on a bet or purely as an excuse to put together a cocaine budget after someone won a lot of unwanted Star Trek native garb costumes on eBay. Two stars.

Godzilla: Final Wars. I never thought I would say this about a Godzilla movie, but this was totally awesome. Ryuhei Kitamura totally delivers the madcap action and successfully destroys civilization with giant monsters. I agree with reviews that argue that there's too much hand-to-hand and too little giant monster fighting for a Godzilla movie. But at the same time, this movie so exceeded my expectations that I can't say they should change a thing. Kazuki Kitamura was phenomenal, over-the-hill mixed martial arts star Don Frye was tolerable. I kept screaming at Don, "come on, get knocked over, let somebody sit on your chest and pummel the crap out of you. It'll be just like old times..." Four stars.

Mighty Baby. This movie is a sequal to La Brassiere--the greatest romantic comedy ever made--and is but a pale imitation of its genius. But a pale imitation of La Brassiere is still enough to keep me laughing and screaming nonstop. I was a bit irritated at the number of scenes that were formula sequel scenes: "take scene from first movie, copy it directly into second movie, then turn up to eleven." However, enough of those scenes were zany enough or tongue in cheek enough to keep me entertained. Ultimately, I wanted this movie to be a thematic sequel to La Brassiere: just as the first is a movie about two men learning to understand women and a playboy meeting his match intermingled with a plot about bras; I'd hoped this would similarly take the characters to the next chapter of their lives, growing older in love and moving onto parenthood. And there are a few of those moments in there, but ultimately, they just tried to duplicate the madcap zaniness from the first film, which was their key failure. Still, it was hilarious. Four stars.

Where Eagles Dare. I remembered this movie was all about the scene in front of the fireplace in the castle, identities switching back and forth. I didn't remember that the "all" was literal in that sentence. Although the suitcase of dynamite made me nostalgic for the gym bag of guns in the Killer. Three stars.